Back Into It

In Episode One of The Chosen TV Series, we meet Mary of Magdala. Ragged tunic, tangled hair, possessed by demons — the people in Capernum don’t even call her Mary. They call her Lilith — night monster.

At the end of Episode One, Mary of Magdala meets Jesus of Nazareth.

In Episode Two we find Mary moving through the marketplace, strong, beautiful, serene. A pharisee stops her – he knows about the demons, because he tried to cast them out and couldn’t. 

And yet —

Now he sees her in the marketplace, transformed in appearance and manner. He is stunned. 

“It’s you!” he cries. “It’s really…Lilith!”

Mary lowers her gaze.
She turns her shoulder to him.
She walks away.

“No, no, please! Don’t be frightened. I’m Nicodemus. I ministered to you, Lilith.”

And Mary says, “I don’t answer to that name. I am Mary. I was born Mary.”

“But you were called Lilith, yes?” He asks.

She turns and begins walking away again. “Please. I must go,” she says.

He cries out again, “No, no, please, Mary.” 

He peers at her face and marvels, “You really don’t remember me at all?”

She shakes her head.

“I burned incense,” he insists.

“I don’t remember,” she murmurs. “It’s all a blur.” She pauses. Then her eyes drop, her voice shakes, and she steps away, saying, 

“I can’t go back into that.”

The pharisee tries to detain her. He wants to understand. And Mary says these beautiful words:

“Here is what I can tell you. I was one way before. And now I am completely different. And the thing that happened in between was…Him.”

I am moved, uplifted by this scene. I want to be Mary, standing in our marketplace, transformed. Released from my own personal demons, the mean little voices in my head silenced forevermore.

NOW HERE’S THE TROUBLING PART.

I HAVE been Mary.

I have been serene, whole-hearted and complete…fully healed. (Courtesy of Jesus of Nazareth no less.)

Until I wasn’t.

Eventually my marketplace voices returned to plague me, starting with sly whispers that I barely heard…slowly and persistently raising their volume by small, almost imperceptible increments, until I was back where it all started.

Maybe you’ve had that happen too. Maybe it wasn’t with Jesus; maybe it was a breakthrough in a counseling session, an unexpected insight while meditating or praying, a sentence from a book, a podcast, a friend – 

The Light floods your mind and you think, That’s it! I get it! And I’m done with this! I’m healed! 

And you are. 
You are healed. 
Your heart sings. 
You feel  it.

UNTIL <SMACK>
The issue comes back. 

For a long time, I could not understand this. While I may not have the entire God thing nailed down, I DO know that God — and Jesus of Nazareth — would not want me to conclude that I (or you!) am less worthy of healing than Mary of Magdala.

So what IS it?
Why does this happen?
Why was Mary’s healing permanent and mine temporary?

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARY OF MAGDALA AND ME?

And the answer is RIGHT THERE — right there in that scene in The Chosen:

“I can’t go back into that.”

*EUREKA*

THIS is it. THIS is the difference between Mary and me. THIS was the mistake I’d been making: 

I go back into it.

I stop and listen to the voices.
I entertain the ideas they suggest.
I think about what they’re saying.

BUT NOW I KNOW

The key to remaining whole and well is to refrain from going back in to that unkind, hard, unilluminated world.

So you see, friends, when the mean little voices come to discuss our past mistakes, our present weaknesses, our whatever, we must be like Mary. We must step away, we must keep moving, we must announce, “I can’t go back into that.” 

———
Watch the scene that inspired this post here: https://youtu.be/HRlUdfoSAqA